[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
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[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
.. do you even science?
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want