one last job
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
my retirement plan is braless
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
I forgot how to panic. Help
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Made something I’m not proud of
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.