HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
You Might Also Like
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.