Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
You Might Also Like
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.