I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
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[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.