wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
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FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.