Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
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*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?