That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
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Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
Had a spot of bother earlier.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]