There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
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did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee