[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
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ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.