The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
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“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
rich people when they have to pay taxes
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
this makes me so uncomfortable
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.