How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
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Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.