GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
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The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
This rocks
men are simple creatures
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
So that’s what we looked like?
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not