I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
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Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
this country is so goddamn polarized
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow