Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
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cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter