I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
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Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Its true…
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know