Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
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Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Where is your GOD now????
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
somebody come look at this
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed