Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
*has no idea what a book even is*