haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
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Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.