[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
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[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
I only look at Wordle for the articles
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.