I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
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Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Autocarrot sucks!
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.