[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
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HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
i love modern commerce
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.