The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
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I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.