ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
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My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”