Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
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Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart