I just stopped by to water my horse.
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I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE