Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
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I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.