My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
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The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Breaking news:
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.