@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
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I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?