No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
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Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
*exercises sarcastically*
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese