Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
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If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.