you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
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Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
crying
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!