ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
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Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex