“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
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The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
My Sentiments Exactly
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot