I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
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I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”