I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
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[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese