I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
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Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
starting a garage orchestra
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.