If a snake ate a cake
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luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
😎 🍻
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it