Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
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Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Damn what did I do next
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?