My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
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Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.