whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
You Might Also Like
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera