Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
You Might Also Like
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
shut up and take my money
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year