I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
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Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter