If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
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Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I will never stop laughing at this
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
🙅🏻
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.