Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
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You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
FINE, I WON’T.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.