Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
You Might Also Like
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
relationship goals
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!