*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
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My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT