as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
You Might Also Like
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”