A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
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Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
War & Peace
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
decorating my apartment
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now