Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
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Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
This meal prepping shit easy
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back